Archive for Beliefs
Wanting Things To Be Different
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Girl Wishing and Wanting
I was having a conversation with somebody over Twitter recently — (Twitter = Can you say new obsession?) It was one of those random comments that I happened to run across from somebody who I really enjoyed. Her name is Alice Langholt of http://reikiawakening.blogspot.com/ and she is a Reiki Master who is building her business while having a day job rating Google pages.
In the twitter stream she had posted that she was frustrated with having to do a day job when what she really wanted to be doing was reiki full-time. (By the way Reiki (ray-kee) is a spiritual practice in the form of energy healing and I know people who swear by it!)
Our conversation continued over Twitter and my “coach’s fascination” kicked in. I ended up sending her a very lengthy e-mail that addressed this feeling of wanting things to be different than they are. I know all of us have felt that way at one time or another. Below is a synopsis of what I told her.
It is an interesting thing. We attach to wanting a certain thing not because we really want that thing, but because of what we think having that thing will give us or make us feel. (Read that sentence again because it is an important one) I want that new career or that life partner, etc. because of how that will make me feel once I have it. We attach to that particular thing because that is the only way we know how to get that feeling.
Laura Berman Fort gang describes it as the difference between “essence” and “vehicle.” The essence is what we truly want — peace of mind, security, fulfillment, acceptance, significance and so on. The vehicle — the new career, new life partner, new car and so on — is what we attach to and believe will give us that essence that we’re actually looking for.
The trouble is, we attach to a vehicle because that is the only way we know how to get the essence that we really want. We make that “thing” that we want so important and lose sight of what it is we’re really looking for. Unfortunately, there is a huge irony in this. By attaching and focusing on the vehicle, we put an intense pressure on the attainment of that vehicle and oftentimes, push it away in the process. If we would actually stop and ask ourselves the question, “what will having this thing give me/mean about me/make me feel?” we would recognize that there is something much deeper that we are actually looking for.
An interesting thing then happens. By focusing on the deeper essence of what it is we really want, all sorts of “vehicles” suddenly show up as ways we can get that “essence” satisfied. Suddenly we have options and the pressure on that ONE thing as THE ONLY way subsides.
Here’s an example. A young child does a play in the fifth grade. He does well, the audience applauds and all of a sudden he feels completely satisfied and accepted. He has never quite felt that total satisfaction before and decides that an acting career is the way he wants to go. He spends the rest of his adult life pining after an acting career and never feeling satisfied unless he’s actually performing on stage. In this case, he has put all the pressure of the satisfaction of his need for acceptance on an acting career — the vehicle to his acceptance. He feels compelled to an acting career not realizing that what he really needs is acceptance. Were he to stop and uncover what he really needs then that intense pressure of having to have an acting career would subside, he could focus on getting that need met and actually be at choice about if he even WANTS to act!.
I know this may be a bit of a mind screw for many. We really think that we want that THING that we want. We are creatures governed by feeling and we forget that those things, in and of themselves, have no meaning unless we ascribe meaning to them.
For some fun, try this experiment: take something you really, really want and ask yourself this question. “What will having this thing actually give me that I don’t currently have?” I’ll be interested to find out what you learn.
If you found this blog post interesting or helpful, I invite you to contact me via the contact pageon this site and let’s set up a time where we can have a coaching conversation. I am an expert at helping people get what they really need so they can have what they truly want faster and with less stress than they ever thought possible. Give it a try.
Making Snap Decisions
Posted by: | CommentsBelow is a rough transcript of the podcast episode available at the bottom of this post. You now have the option to read or listen!!
A few days ago I posted this amazing talk I found on Ted.com. It was best-selling author Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love talking about the pressures of being someone who is professionally creative and the expectations of others once we’ve had a success. It was the most fascinating exploration into the human mind of how we all fear that what we have done so far may be as good as it gets. We worry ourselves silly about being good enough for the challenges that lie ahead of us. Without mentioning it, she addresses the fraud factor that I think we all feel or have felt at one time in our life. She offers an amazing way of thinking that can literally smash those fears away. The video was 19 minutes long and I encourage you to watch it if you haven’t already. It is truly one of the most uplifting talks I have ever heard and it gave me strategies that could put into practice immediately.
But that’s not what this article is about.
Now I love blogging. I love the discussion factor and how it gets people talking and how people with varying opinions can weigh in on any given topic… that is to a point.
When I posted that incredibly uplifting and inspiring video I got one comment that I simply couldn’t approve because… well, quite frankly… it would’ve made the person look a little kooky.
This person went on a rant about how they had listened only to the first few minutes of the video and how they became bored and turned it off and then started railing against the fact that everybody feels fear and its natural and good for you. The person called Elizabeth perimenopausal and spoke as if the video had been a self-indulgent “poor me” episode. It was bizarre. I almost approved it because it was so ridiculous. But I didn’t.
Now here’s my point: within the first couple of sentences the person had said that they had only listened to the first few minutes of the video. OK, they missed the other 17 minutes of it. You think there might have been a little bit more information than just in the first two minutes? Do you think that the speaker might have given a solution or two? Do you think you might have given it a chance?
This is the danger we all face when we make snap judgments without all the information. This person had decided after two minutes that they knew exactly what this audio was about, exactly what the speaker was about and exactly what they would get out of it at the end.
Hmmm… make up stories in your head, much?
Here are three obvious things that can help us avoid making snap decisions.
1) Make sure you get all the facts. That means hearing the person out or finishing the entire book or… dare I say watching the entire video. Once you have the information, you can make a decision.
2) Remember that we are making up stories about what things mean. This is in good or bad this just is. Be aware that you’re doing that in separate your story about what things mean from the facts in this case the words.
3) Listen more than you speak. Be interested rather than interesting. Give people the benefit of the doubt. When you do that you are more open and less prone to judgementalism. You don’t want to be judged so be very, very cautious of judging others.
Blogging is fascinating to me and I love it. I think people are fascinating and I learn from even the wackiest situations. But a bit of advice when you comment… and I hope you do… make sure you’ve read the whole article or listen to the whole audio or … dare I say it… watch the whole video!!! ‘Cause next time… I’m gonna hit approve!
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Lesson From A Supermarket Checker
Posted by: | CommentsThis post is a re-post of an earlier podcast that had to be removed due to a posting problem. I loved the sentiment in this post so I wanted to make sure it was there again. Enjoy!
In this podcast I tell about a lesson in humility and preconceived notions I learned in a series of interactions I had with a supermarket checker at my local market. It reminds me that we never know what is going on in someone’s life… so let’s remember to cut eachother some slack!
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Creativity, Genius and Being Good Enough
Posted by: | CommentsEveryone is Creative in one way or another.
Those of us who are or have been creative for a living have, at one time or another, felt the weight of fear and self doubt of the ubiquitous question: “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” Even when we have done it before too tremendous accolades and applause, we worry that perhaps that is as good as it will ever get… maybe our genius was just a fluke and we will be found out as the frauds and fakes that we fear we might be.
I certainly have been there and so has just about every creative person I have ever met. In fact, I would venture to say that every person — professionally creative or not — has had this same fear or worry that has eroded their joy in the present moment.
The video below is a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert, a best-selling author, in which she speaks to the core of everything that we are as creative individuals. In this uplifting and invigorating talk, she gives us a perspective with language and tools to help us separate “who we are” from “what we do.”
It is one of the fastest and most uplifting 19 minutes I have ever experienced.
Enjoy and please comment!!
How To Celebrate Christmas Even If It Isn’t Your Tradition
Posted by: | CommentsI have to admit… I love the Holidays. I love the weather. I love the decorations. It is a part of my history.
This past weekend, my partner and I sat and watched the History and the National Geographic Channels all day as show after show debated the “actual birthplace of Christ” and “was there a star and did it actually settle over Bethlehem…” and on and on. It was an amazingly fun day and I felt closer to my particular spirituality through the process of critical analysis.
You see for me, it isn’t about the details and the specifics. It is about the spirit and getting in touch with that part of myself that connects with all people.
What came out of all of that television watching, was a recognition of connection and ritual.
I think that we as a people find meaning in our lives through a connection with something that is greater than each one of us individually. For some that is a “Higher Power” and for others it is a sense of connection to other human beings and humanity at large. Then, whether we know it or not, we ritualize it… we create a tradition.
So even if Christmas isn’t your tradition… as I’m often reminded by my friend Stephanie who sings the South Park song to me, “I’M JUST A LONELY JEW AT CHRISTMAS…” reconnect with whatever your ritual is that makes you feel connected to your history. (For Stephanie, it’s Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day.) Whatever yours might be, consciously hook in. Connect with what has brought you to this place here and now– your history! Celebrate what is gotten you to where you are. Good or bad, you are here and tomorrow is a new day so believe in the power of a hope for a better tomorrow! Then start to create it.
If you don’t have a tradition that stands out, create one. Find some special something that you can celebrate no matter what your current situation. The simple act of looking for that will help you hook in and I promise you will find a connection. There is something in the air at this time of the year and I think it goes way beyond the holiday.
I realize this post is a bit “stream of consciousness.” I felt compelled to put it down on “web paper” even though it wasn’t fully formed. My Blog – My Way!! <g> If it is helpful in any way, I am thrilled. If, however, you take nothing else away, take this: May you find peace when you look for it, joy where you choose to create it and connection with all of us in a hope for a better tomorrow.
Merry Christmas!
We Don’t See Reality as it is… We See it Through Filters
Posted by: | CommentsIn my work as a Life Coach, I always end up talking to my clients about their perspective, beliefs and fears and how they influence their perception of reality. There was an amazing example of this on the Today Show yesterday in a Matt Lauer interview with Sarah Palin. Listen to this 3 minute podcast and take an important lesson on how we can change our reality and our results.
Please leave a comment if this speaks to you.
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