Archive for happiness
The Power of Mindset
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Michael Neil (www.geniuscatalyst.com), one of my favorite coaches and authors, recently did an amazing radio show on the power of mindset. In it he shared the work of a psychologist who has been doing work in this area and the ramifications as to how we operate in this world were startling to me. Let me tell you what I learned.
Carol Dweck took a group of grammar school children who had all received the exact same score on a test and divided them into two groups. The first group was praised for their achievement with phrases like, “congratulations! You must be so proud! YOU ARE SO SMART!” The second group was equally praised but with one specific difference. They were told phrases like, “congratulations! You must be so proud! YOU MUST HAVE WORKED SO HARD!”
A very interesting result ensued. The children who were praised for being smart – something that is innate and unchangeable – were later afraid to take on new challenges, avoided things that would test their abilities and tended to lie about test scores they received in the future. In contrast, the children who were praised for working hard were eager to take on new challenges, welcomed things that would test their abilities and told the truth about the test scores they received in the future. (I hope these children were all given a little bit of therapy after this experiment… but I digress…)
So what does all this mean? Well, Dr. Dweck identified that there were two types of mindsets that people tended to operate from: a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset comes from the position that your intelligence, talents and abilities are fixed and innate… In other words, you are dealt the cards you’re dealt so get over your big, bad self and deal with it. In contrast, with a growth mindset you see your intelligence, talents and abilities as fluid and a “work in progress” that can continually improve.
The ramifications of this simple realization are incredibly powerful. Whichever perspective we come from, chances are, that perspective operates under the radar and secretly influences everything you experience and think.
Do we operate from the knowledge that we can learn and grow or do we avoid new things because of how “we ARE?” This simple realization can directly affect our motivation levels, our anxiety levels in the midst of new situations, whether or not we are likely to avoid something and a host of other common problem scenarios.
Instead of beating ourselves up and ripping ourselves apart, agonizing over the things we can’t seem to get ourselves to do, perhaps a simple question of asking ourselves what mindset we are coming from… fixed or growth… could be all the motivation we need to turn something we dread into something that is filled with possibility, potential and most of all fun.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it is to examine one thing that you are avoiding completing (or starting) and analyze your mindset around it. If you’re not coming at it from a mindset of growth and possibility, how might you change the way you see the situation to move it there?
Life Lessons From My Super
Posted by: | CommentsIn this 3 minute podcast episode, the Superintendent of my building talked to me about what he tries to do every day to make the world a better place. I truly believe that if we all did these 2 simple things every day we totally change the energy of our life, relationships and outlook on problems!
Take a quick listen… it is worth it.
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Have You Seen Ben Zander Talk?
Posted by: | CommentsIf you have never seen this man speak… he is quirky, amazing, insightful and totally brilliant. What he says here regarding Classical Music has leadership, life, communication, relationship and joy lessons. A total MUST WATCH yet again from TED.
Wanting Things To Be Different
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Girl Wishing and Wanting
I was having a conversation with somebody over Twitter recently — (Twitter = Can you say new obsession?) It was one of those random comments that I happened to run across from somebody who I really enjoyed. Her name is Alice Langholt of http://reikiawakening.blogspot.com/ and she is a Reiki Master who is building her business while having a day job rating Google pages.
In the twitter stream she had posted that she was frustrated with having to do a day job when what she really wanted to be doing was reiki full-time. (By the way Reiki (ray-kee) is a spiritual practice in the form of energy healing and I know people who swear by it!)
Our conversation continued over Twitter and my “coach’s fascination” kicked in. I ended up sending her a very lengthy e-mail that addressed this feeling of wanting things to be different than they are. I know all of us have felt that way at one time or another. Below is a synopsis of what I told her.
It is an interesting thing. We attach to wanting a certain thing not because we really want that thing, but because of what we think having that thing will give us or make us feel. (Read that sentence again because it is an important one) I want that new career or that life partner, etc. because of how that will make me feel once I have it. We attach to that particular thing because that is the only way we know how to get that feeling.
Laura Berman Fort gang describes it as the difference between “essence” and “vehicle.” The essence is what we truly want — peace of mind, security, fulfillment, acceptance, significance and so on. The vehicle — the new career, new life partner, new car and so on — is what we attach to and believe will give us that essence that we’re actually looking for.
The trouble is, we attach to a vehicle because that is the only way we know how to get the essence that we really want. We make that “thing” that we want so important and lose sight of what it is we’re really looking for. Unfortunately, there is a huge irony in this. By attaching and focusing on the vehicle, we put an intense pressure on the attainment of that vehicle and oftentimes, push it away in the process. If we would actually stop and ask ourselves the question, “what will having this thing give me/mean about me/make me feel?” we would recognize that there is something much deeper that we are actually looking for.
An interesting thing then happens. By focusing on the deeper essence of what it is we really want, all sorts of “vehicles” suddenly show up as ways we can get that “essence” satisfied. Suddenly we have options and the pressure on that ONE thing as THE ONLY way subsides.
Here’s an example. A young child does a play in the fifth grade. He does well, the audience applauds and all of a sudden he feels completely satisfied and accepted. He has never quite felt that total satisfaction before and decides that an acting career is the way he wants to go. He spends the rest of his adult life pining after an acting career and never feeling satisfied unless he’s actually performing on stage. In this case, he has put all the pressure of the satisfaction of his need for acceptance on an acting career — the vehicle to his acceptance. He feels compelled to an acting career not realizing that what he really needs is acceptance. Were he to stop and uncover what he really needs then that intense pressure of having to have an acting career would subside, he could focus on getting that need met and actually be at choice about if he even WANTS to act!.
I know this may be a bit of a mind screw for many. We really think that we want that THING that we want. We are creatures governed by feeling and we forget that those things, in and of themselves, have no meaning unless we ascribe meaning to them.
For some fun, try this experiment: take something you really, really want and ask yourself this question. “What will having this thing actually give me that I don’t currently have?” I’ll be interested to find out what you learn.
If you found this blog post interesting or helpful, I invite you to contact me via the contact pageon this site and let’s set up a time where we can have a coaching conversation. I am an expert at helping people get what they really need so they can have what they truly want faster and with less stress than they ever thought possible. Give it a try.
Lesson From A Supermarket Checker
Posted by: | CommentsThis post is a re-post of an earlier podcast that had to be removed due to a posting problem. I loved the sentiment in this post so I wanted to make sure it was there again. Enjoy!
In this podcast I tell about a lesson in humility and preconceived notions I learned in a series of interactions I had with a supermarket checker at my local market. It reminds me that we never know what is going on in someone’s life… so let’s remember to cut eachother some slack!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Creativity, Genius and Being Good Enough
Posted by: | CommentsEveryone is Creative in one way or another.
Those of us who are or have been creative for a living have, at one time or another, felt the weight of fear and self doubt of the ubiquitous question: “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” Even when we have done it before too tremendous accolades and applause, we worry that perhaps that is as good as it will ever get… maybe our genius was just a fluke and we will be found out as the frauds and fakes that we fear we might be.
I certainly have been there and so has just about every creative person I have ever met. In fact, I would venture to say that every person — professionally creative or not — has had this same fear or worry that has eroded their joy in the present moment.
The video below is a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert, a best-selling author, in which she speaks to the core of everything that we are as creative individuals. In this uplifting and invigorating talk, she gives us a perspective with language and tools to help us separate “who we are” from “what we do.”
It is one of the fastest and most uplifting 19 minutes I have ever experienced.
Enjoy and please comment!!
How To Celebrate Christmas Even If It Isn’t Your Tradition
Posted by: | CommentsI have to admit… I love the Holidays. I love the weather. I love the decorations. It is a part of my history.
This past weekend, my partner and I sat and watched the History and the National Geographic Channels all day as show after show debated the “actual birthplace of Christ” and “was there a star and did it actually settle over Bethlehem…” and on and on. It was an amazingly fun day and I felt closer to my particular spirituality through the process of critical analysis.
You see for me, it isn’t about the details and the specifics. It is about the spirit and getting in touch with that part of myself that connects with all people.
What came out of all of that television watching, was a recognition of connection and ritual.
I think that we as a people find meaning in our lives through a connection with something that is greater than each one of us individually. For some that is a “Higher Power” and for others it is a sense of connection to other human beings and humanity at large. Then, whether we know it or not, we ritualize it… we create a tradition.
So even if Christmas isn’t your tradition… as I’m often reminded by my friend Stephanie who sings the South Park song to me, “I’M JUST A LONELY JEW AT CHRISTMAS…” reconnect with whatever your ritual is that makes you feel connected to your history. (For Stephanie, it’s Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day.) Whatever yours might be, consciously hook in. Connect with what has brought you to this place here and now– your history! Celebrate what is gotten you to where you are. Good or bad, you are here and tomorrow is a new day so believe in the power of a hope for a better tomorrow! Then start to create it.
If you don’t have a tradition that stands out, create one. Find some special something that you can celebrate no matter what your current situation. The simple act of looking for that will help you hook in and I promise you will find a connection. There is something in the air at this time of the year and I think it goes way beyond the holiday.
I realize this post is a bit “stream of consciousness.” I felt compelled to put it down on “web paper” even though it wasn’t fully formed. My Blog – My Way!! <g> If it is helpful in any way, I am thrilled. If, however, you take nothing else away, take this: May you find peace when you look for it, joy where you choose to create it and connection with all of us in a hope for a better tomorrow.
Merry Christmas!
Guilted Into Gratitude…
Posted by: | CommentsGratitude gets a bad rap.
You hear the attraction and new age folk talk about how important gratitude is to getting what you want from the Universe. In the process, they make you feel guilty because you aren’t living in a state of gratitude all the time. You beat yourself up, ask why they can do it and you can’t and then resolve to “discipline” yourself into doing better next time.
The charities all remind us to be grateful for what we have and to give to those less fortunate. The blog posts start coming out saying, “okay folks, Thanksgiving is coming. Time to start counting your blessings.”
It seems like we have to be guilted into remembering to feel grateful. For me, guilt seems counterproductive here.
Gratitude is a much simpler thing — a perspective more than anything else. I think the most powerful sense of gratitude comes in a simple recognition of the things that make you go wow in your life. We are reminded when we simply look around us from a place of recognition and wow not from a place of guilt.
In the science of perception and the brain, they tell us that “we find what we look for.” So this holiday season I would propose a new kind of experiment. Instead of trying to remind ourselves fervently to be thankful for what we have, resolved to force thoughts into submission and discipline our way into gratitude, try a gentler way. Orient yourself and your thinking to look for all the wonder in your life, from simple to complex. Look for all the “wows” in your everyday and see if that doesn’t engender a natural gratitude that isn’t forced or manipulated.
Let’s all look for the “wows,” and we’ll find more than we could have imagined. I welcome all comments below.
How To Feel Happy
Posted by: | CommentsI was grabbing a cappuccino at the 11th Street Café this morning and I heard another conversation while I was waiting for my half-caf grande skim something or other. Apparently this gentleman had just done something absentmindedly that made another lady laugh. He looked at her, and laughing at himself he said, “I was just thinking something that made me so happy…”. As I was leaving I turned back and looked at the gentleman and he was beaming from ear to ear, there was a lightness to his face and he was clearly blissed out.
This experience made me think and reinforced my belief at how easy it is to be happy anytime we want to be. The man was thinking a thought. That’s all, just a thought. In terms of his situation in the moment, he was simply buying a cup of coffee. His thoughts, however, had transported him beyond the cup of Joe that he had in front of him into a land of endorphins, good feelings and a comfort in his own skin.
Now many of you may be saying, “well, of course… something good probably happened to him and he was thinking about it, that’s all.” And, I’m sure you’re right, something probably had happened and he was thinking about it. But there’s something more here, something we lose sight of when we’re in the middle of negative emotions.
Emotions are always triggered by a thought. We think a thought and the emotions follow as a direct result of whatever we are thinking. The man was simply buying a cup of coffee but the thoughts he was thinking trigger to rush of good feelings.
Here’s the key. The brain cannot distinguish between what it remembers what it experiences. When we think of thought, the brain translates those thoughts and memories as if they were happening right there in front of us. The more vivid the memory, the more powerful the emotion and feeling. So the man with the coffee, as far as his brain was concerned, was having that great experience again… like, for real.
How often do we play some mental fantasy or relive some bad experience and send our self into the pit of despair, sadness, anger or whatever negative emotion fills our head. Because the emotions are so powerful, it feels like the emotions have a mind of their own and are in control of US… but they aren’t. They are triggered because we attach to thoughts that trigger them. We “relive” them and then the emotions follow.
So what’s the formula for happiness? It really is as simple as this:
- Ask yourself, “what feeling do I want to feel right now?”
- Replay a memory or think a thought that will transport you into that feeling state that you want.
- Really enter into the “movie” you play in your head. Make the colors brighter. Make the sounds warmer. See it through your own eyes as if you are in the situation.
- Stay there for a while and watch your emotions change.
Is it really that simple? Yes. Will you feel happy all the time? No. Can you choose to feel happy anytime you want to? Absolutely. To quote Dr. Richard Bandler, “thought isn’t a passive activity unless you think passively.”
Try it and see. I would love to know your comments and thoughts. Have a great day.
