Archive for Ordinary Life
Life Lessons From My Super
Posted by: | CommentsIn this 3 minute podcast episode, the Superintendent of my building talked to me about what he tries to do every day to make the world a better place. I truly believe that if we all did these 2 simple things every day we totally change the energy of our life, relationships and outlook on problems!
Take a quick listen… it is worth it.
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Have You Seen Ben Zander Talk?
Posted by: | CommentsIf you have never seen this man speak… he is quirky, amazing, insightful and totally brilliant. What he says here regarding Classical Music has leadership, life, communication, relationship and joy lessons. A total MUST WATCH yet again from TED.
Wanting Things To Be Different
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Girl Wishing and Wanting
I was having a conversation with somebody over Twitter recently — (Twitter = Can you say new obsession?) It was one of those random comments that I happened to run across from somebody who I really enjoyed. Her name is Alice Langholt of http://reikiawakening.blogspot.com/ and she is a Reiki Master who is building her business while having a day job rating Google pages.
In the twitter stream she had posted that she was frustrated with having to do a day job when what she really wanted to be doing was reiki full-time. (By the way Reiki (ray-kee) is a spiritual practice in the form of energy healing and I know people who swear by it!)
Our conversation continued over Twitter and my “coach’s fascination” kicked in. I ended up sending her a very lengthy e-mail that addressed this feeling of wanting things to be different than they are. I know all of us have felt that way at one time or another. Below is a synopsis of what I told her.
It is an interesting thing. We attach to wanting a certain thing not because we really want that thing, but because of what we think having that thing will give us or make us feel. (Read that sentence again because it is an important one) I want that new career or that life partner, etc. because of how that will make me feel once I have it. We attach to that particular thing because that is the only way we know how to get that feeling.
Laura Berman Fort gang describes it as the difference between “essence” and “vehicle.” The essence is what we truly want — peace of mind, security, fulfillment, acceptance, significance and so on. The vehicle — the new career, new life partner, new car and so on — is what we attach to and believe will give us that essence that we’re actually looking for.
The trouble is, we attach to a vehicle because that is the only way we know how to get the essence that we really want. We make that “thing” that we want so important and lose sight of what it is we’re really looking for. Unfortunately, there is a huge irony in this. By attaching and focusing on the vehicle, we put an intense pressure on the attainment of that vehicle and oftentimes, push it away in the process. If we would actually stop and ask ourselves the question, “what will having this thing give me/mean about me/make me feel?” we would recognize that there is something much deeper that we are actually looking for.
An interesting thing then happens. By focusing on the deeper essence of what it is we really want, all sorts of “vehicles” suddenly show up as ways we can get that “essence” satisfied. Suddenly we have options and the pressure on that ONE thing as THE ONLY way subsides.
Here’s an example. A young child does a play in the fifth grade. He does well, the audience applauds and all of a sudden he feels completely satisfied and accepted. He has never quite felt that total satisfaction before and decides that an acting career is the way he wants to go. He spends the rest of his adult life pining after an acting career and never feeling satisfied unless he’s actually performing on stage. In this case, he has put all the pressure of the satisfaction of his need for acceptance on an acting career — the vehicle to his acceptance. He feels compelled to an acting career not realizing that what he really needs is acceptance. Were he to stop and uncover what he really needs then that intense pressure of having to have an acting career would subside, he could focus on getting that need met and actually be at choice about if he even WANTS to act!.
I know this may be a bit of a mind screw for many. We really think that we want that THING that we want. We are creatures governed by feeling and we forget that those things, in and of themselves, have no meaning unless we ascribe meaning to them.
For some fun, try this experiment: take something you really, really want and ask yourself this question. “What will having this thing actually give me that I don’t currently have?” I’ll be interested to find out what you learn.
If you found this blog post interesting or helpful, I invite you to contact me via the contact pageon this site and let’s set up a time where we can have a coaching conversation. I am an expert at helping people get what they really need so they can have what they truly want faster and with less stress than they ever thought possible. Give it a try.
Making Snap Decisions
Posted by: | CommentsBelow is a rough transcript of the podcast episode available at the bottom of this post. You now have the option to read or listen!!
A few days ago I posted this amazing talk I found on Ted.com. It was best-selling author Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love talking about the pressures of being someone who is professionally creative and the expectations of others once we’ve had a success. It was the most fascinating exploration into the human mind of how we all fear that what we have done so far may be as good as it gets. We worry ourselves silly about being good enough for the challenges that lie ahead of us. Without mentioning it, she addresses the fraud factor that I think we all feel or have felt at one time in our life. She offers an amazing way of thinking that can literally smash those fears away. The video was 19 minutes long and I encourage you to watch it if you haven’t already. It is truly one of the most uplifting talks I have ever heard and it gave me strategies that could put into practice immediately.
But that’s not what this article is about.
Now I love blogging. I love the discussion factor and how it gets people talking and how people with varying opinions can weigh in on any given topic… that is to a point.
When I posted that incredibly uplifting and inspiring video I got one comment that I simply couldn’t approve because… well, quite frankly… it would’ve made the person look a little kooky.
This person went on a rant about how they had listened only to the first few minutes of the video and how they became bored and turned it off and then started railing against the fact that everybody feels fear and its natural and good for you. The person called Elizabeth perimenopausal and spoke as if the video had been a self-indulgent “poor me” episode. It was bizarre. I almost approved it because it was so ridiculous. But I didn’t.
Now here’s my point: within the first couple of sentences the person had said that they had only listened to the first few minutes of the video. OK, they missed the other 17 minutes of it. You think there might have been a little bit more information than just in the first two minutes? Do you think that the speaker might have given a solution or two? Do you think you might have given it a chance?
This is the danger we all face when we make snap judgments without all the information. This person had decided after two minutes that they knew exactly what this audio was about, exactly what the speaker was about and exactly what they would get out of it at the end.
Hmmm… make up stories in your head, much?
Here are three obvious things that can help us avoid making snap decisions.
1) Make sure you get all the facts. That means hearing the person out or finishing the entire book or… dare I say watching the entire video. Once you have the information, you can make a decision.
2) Remember that we are making up stories about what things mean. This is in good or bad this just is. Be aware that you’re doing that in separate your story about what things mean from the facts in this case the words.
3) Listen more than you speak. Be interested rather than interesting. Give people the benefit of the doubt. When you do that you are more open and less prone to judgementalism. You don’t want to be judged so be very, very cautious of judging others.
Blogging is fascinating to me and I love it. I think people are fascinating and I learn from even the wackiest situations. But a bit of advice when you comment… and I hope you do… make sure you’ve read the whole article or listen to the whole audio or … dare I say it… watch the whole video!!! ‘Cause next time… I’m gonna hit approve!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Lesson From A Supermarket Checker
Posted by: | CommentsThis post is a re-post of an earlier podcast that had to be removed due to a posting problem. I loved the sentiment in this post so I wanted to make sure it was there again. Enjoy!
In this podcast I tell about a lesson in humility and preconceived notions I learned in a series of interactions I had with a supermarket checker at my local market. It reminds me that we never know what is going on in someone’s life… so let’s remember to cut eachother some slack!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Ask The Life Coach – A New Vlog Series
Posted by: | CommentsBeginning March 2…
I will be introducing 2 new Vlogs to my blog — “Ask The Life Coach” and “Ask The Small Business Marketing Coach.” These will be real life, real people questions from a down and dirty, person on the street interview format.
I have created a short 1 minute Vlog — with my new FLIP Mino Video Camera — to give a quick explanation. For those of you who Vlog, check out the Flip. It is literally smaller than my iPhone so I will carry it in my pocket all the time!
Check it out!
When The Going Gets Tough
Posted by: | CommentsMy husband left for work early this morning. About five minutes after he left, I got a text from him. He said, “guess what, the same taxi driver who picked me up yesterday morning, just pick me up today.” I texted back a “wow, that’s amazing” response and continued to watch the early morning news. What he texted me after that was what piqued my interest and gave rise to this blog post.
Apparently the taxi driver had posted his business resume in his taxi cab. It had his full name, his work history, the fact that he went to North Carolina A. and T. University for undergrad and got his MBA from LaSalle.
He is currently driving a taxi cab in New York City and my guess is, given the fact that he has posted his resume, it is not a job that he sees himself doing for ever.
As someone who finds himself worrying about things that “might” happen, this got me thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I have no knowledge of exactly what happened to this gentleman and everything I’m about to tell you I am completely making up in my head. However, it made me think.
Clearly, this man at some point lost his job or was downsized or… who knows what and he found the need to find alternate work — survival work, you know. Probably his worst fear was realized. I imagine he went looking for another business job but to no avail. He came to a point where he simply needed to make a living so he started driving a cab. Believe me — it is a tough job to drive a taxi in NYC. You deal with all kinds of people and by law you have to take them. It ain’t easy and I admire those who do it.
What I love about this story is the optimism. I’m guessing the gentleman didn’t worry and wring his hands in fear over what might happen. Instead, he simply did what he needed to do. The creativity here is what stuns me. He examined the situation and instead of falling into victimhood and turning bitter, I imagine that he asked himself “what is the opportunity here in this situation?” The answer: A lot of people sit in the back of my car. Many of them are executives and business people. Some of them might be looking to hire someone. Why don’t I let them know I’m looking for a position and show them how creative I can be in the process.
Genius!
There are two takeaways for me in this:
- When when stuff happens in life you have 2 choices: a) be a victim and become resentful or b) simply do what you need to do to take care of the situation the best way you can and realize situations can change.
- Never lose your optimism. If you look at the situation you are currently in creatively, you will find opportunity in the strangest of places.
I wish I knew someone who was hiring or someone in a major news organization. I would do a story about this man in the hopes that it would inspire other people to think creatively no matter what situation they are in.
So if business is bad or something is going on in your life that just totally sucks, when you can, step outside of yourself and look at the situation from a creative, dispassionate observer position. Ask yourself this question: “what is my opportunity here and how can I make the most of it?” Who knows what you might discover. A creative idea just might springboard you in a new direction.
How To Celebrate Christmas Even If It Isn’t Your Tradition
Posted by: | CommentsI have to admit… I love the Holidays. I love the weather. I love the decorations. It is a part of my history.
This past weekend, my partner and I sat and watched the History and the National Geographic Channels all day as show after show debated the “actual birthplace of Christ” and “was there a star and did it actually settle over Bethlehem…” and on and on. It was an amazingly fun day and I felt closer to my particular spirituality through the process of critical analysis.
You see for me, it isn’t about the details and the specifics. It is about the spirit and getting in touch with that part of myself that connects with all people.
What came out of all of that television watching, was a recognition of connection and ritual.
I think that we as a people find meaning in our lives through a connection with something that is greater than each one of us individually. For some that is a “Higher Power” and for others it is a sense of connection to other human beings and humanity at large. Then, whether we know it or not, we ritualize it… we create a tradition.
So even if Christmas isn’t your tradition… as I’m often reminded by my friend Stephanie who sings the South Park song to me, “I’M JUST A LONELY JEW AT CHRISTMAS…” reconnect with whatever your ritual is that makes you feel connected to your history. (For Stephanie, it’s Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day.) Whatever yours might be, consciously hook in. Connect with what has brought you to this place here and now– your history! Celebrate what is gotten you to where you are. Good or bad, you are here and tomorrow is a new day so believe in the power of a hope for a better tomorrow! Then start to create it.
If you don’t have a tradition that stands out, create one. Find some special something that you can celebrate no matter what your current situation. The simple act of looking for that will help you hook in and I promise you will find a connection. There is something in the air at this time of the year and I think it goes way beyond the holiday.
I realize this post is a bit “stream of consciousness.” I felt compelled to put it down on “web paper” even though it wasn’t fully formed. My Blog – My Way!! <g> If it is helpful in any way, I am thrilled. If, however, you take nothing else away, take this: May you find peace when you look for it, joy where you choose to create it and connection with all of us in a hope for a better tomorrow.
Merry Christmas!
Guilted Into Gratitude…
Posted by: | CommentsGratitude gets a bad rap.
You hear the attraction and new age folk talk about how important gratitude is to getting what you want from the Universe. In the process, they make you feel guilty because you aren’t living in a state of gratitude all the time. You beat yourself up, ask why they can do it and you can’t and then resolve to “discipline” yourself into doing better next time.
The charities all remind us to be grateful for what we have and to give to those less fortunate. The blog posts start coming out saying, “okay folks, Thanksgiving is coming. Time to start counting your blessings.”
It seems like we have to be guilted into remembering to feel grateful. For me, guilt seems counterproductive here.
Gratitude is a much simpler thing — a perspective more than anything else. I think the most powerful sense of gratitude comes in a simple recognition of the things that make you go wow in your life. We are reminded when we simply look around us from a place of recognition and wow not from a place of guilt.
In the science of perception and the brain, they tell us that “we find what we look for.” So this holiday season I would propose a new kind of experiment. Instead of trying to remind ourselves fervently to be thankful for what we have, resolved to force thoughts into submission and discipline our way into gratitude, try a gentler way. Orient yourself and your thinking to look for all the wonder in your life, from simple to complex. Look for all the “wows” in your everyday and see if that doesn’t engender a natural gratitude that isn’t forced or manipulated.
Let’s all look for the “wows,” and we’ll find more than we could have imagined. I welcome all comments below.
Christian The Lion
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This video made me cry bigtime! I checked it out and it actually is true!
Makes you think… you can’t tell me animals don’t have some concept of love.
